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Page updated 06 June 2020

Canterbury Walking football is sponsored by and and is affiliated to

Page updated 06 June 2020

DIARY OF A FIXTURES SECRETARY … WITH NO FIXTURES

(Week 6 – 24.04.20)


At the beginning of this week, I was looking forward to fame and fortune for me and publicity for the club. A producer for Channel 4’s ‘The Steph Show’ had seen my diary and asked me to call her with a view to talking about us and the lock down.  I duly called but she was wasn’t available, so I left a message.  Then … nothing.  My TV career had ended before it started.  Just as I was getting ready for the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd, I was consigned to the cutting room floor before the cameras had even started rolling.


“Never mind”, said Sandy, “You can do something much more useful.  Order a skip and sort out our four sheds that are full of junk.”  Junk?  JUNK??  Those sheds contain hundreds of precious artefacts and memorabilia from my life, important books and magazines, posters, fishing tackle, and old football and cricket kit representing semi-heroic deeds on the greensward.  “But you never look at any of it,” was the exasperated response, “What the mice haven’t eaten is covered in cobwebs.”


“But …” I said and then realised the cause was lost.  I am now resigned to paying a fortune for the hire of a skip and many days of ‘sorting out’ getting covered in mouse droppings and deceased spiders.  Can’t be right for someone who was so close to being a TV star!  And I won’t want to throw anything away!


I heard on the radio that retail sales in the UK were the worst-ever but that alcohol sales were 30% up!  I told Sandy she should be very proud to play such a significant part in supporting the UK economy!  I have to confess to doing my bit, too.  And, in my case, I’m bolstering the local economy in Brighton by consuming prodigious quantities of Brighton Gin.  


It’s distilled ‘at home’ by three people only and they’ve made a great success of it.  Due to the appalling traffic in Brighton they deliver it locally to hotels, pubs, bars and off-licences by push-bike with a cart on the back!  I get mine by post but Sandy reckons it would be cheaper to build an underground pipeline direct from Brighton to Bishopsbourne!


My culinary skills are coming along.  I baked the giant chicken pie last weekend and had to send a more-than-generous portion over to mother-in-law.  Much to my great disappointment, she liked it and said I could cook it again and again.  That wasn’t the intention.  Baking an Apfelstrudel this weekend so, perhaps if I give it that German name, she might not want it.


How is everyone’s hair coming along?  My ‘rock star’ locks are progressing nicely, although ‘rock ape’ would be a more accurate description.  Neither Sandy nor I have any intention of cutting the other’s hair so we’ll have to accept what comes.  If anyone has attempted a DIY haircut, we’d love to see them, but not the one’s that were successful, only the disasters!


I’ve got to brave a visit to the chemist in the next couple of days, but I’m concerned Simon might still be on his way to the counter …


Our local, the Mermaid, whilst tragically closed for the dispensing of fine ales and beers, is offering an excellent line in takeaways and we have been ordering each week.   After 30 years of staunch and regular patronage above and beyond the call of duty, and a financial contribution worthy of at least a junior directorship in the Shepherd Neame Brewery, it is a very weird experience to walk in there and not have a small libation.  All pubs and companies in hospitality are having a torrid time at the moment, as, of course, are most businesses.  Who knows how they will all come out of it; sadly some very good companies may not survive.


I am being regularly humiliated by my Crazy Catch keeper trainer but I am persevering.  Getting down low after weeks of inactivity is not easy, but improving.  When people stand on the bridge next to the station and look down at what I’m doing they must be thinking, “Why is that nutter in football kit staggering around trying to catch a ball that’s going in the opposite direction?”  To make matters worse, Sandy laid out an agility course for the dog which consisted of four hurdles, a tunnel, and six cones to zig-zag around.  Some kind ‘friend’ shouted down asking if that was my training course!  Idiot.


I had a message from our tartaned friend, Graham, the other day sending his best regards to us all and attaching this …


It’s supposed to be us, but I’ll leave you to put names to the figures!  Rumour has it that the day before the lockdown, he started a new job as quality-controller in the whisky vaults deep beneath Edinburgh Castle.  Michelle hasn’t seen him since and can’t get through to him as the mobile phone signal doesn’t penetrate 50 feet of granite.  I’m sure he’s happy though …


As each week passes, I am missing football more and more, be it going to watch Brighton with James or playing with you guys.  I fear that our professional football season will end without another ball being kicked and, as for us, a session in the sunshine at the Uni tonight would have been wonderful, followed by a refreshing, cool beer on the Pavilion balcony.  Let us hope that that scenario can take place at some stage in the Summer. As I said to Lance this morning, that first session should be followed by a bloody good piss-up!


Take care and stay safe, my friends.




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